Monday, 8 April 2013

Anything Goes - Quilt 'n Sew #12 - Up close and personal

NOTE:  As I wrote this post I had to keep a few tissues close by.  So please know that its not my intention to make you sad or to feel sorry for me.  Remembering and talking about things sometimes help with the healing process.

Many of you know that I have three children.  Marco age 17, Ruben age 13 and then Kayleigh who will have her 2nd birthday in less than two weeks.  

Ruben & Marco
Kayleigh
What you don't know is that I've been pregnant a total of 7 times.  After I had Marco, when he was little over two years old I was pregnant twice and both those pregnancies ended in miscarriage between 6 and 8 weeks.  Then about 7 months before I fell pregnant with Kayleigh I was pregnant with twins, sadly I lost them too very early in pregnancy. 

Now all of the miscarriages was very devastating, and the emotional and physical toll it takes on your body and on your marriage is something no one should have to go through.  

Last year I fell pregnant again.  I feel awful admitting this, but I did not want to be pregnant again.  Kayleigh is still so little and the thought of having another baby was too much for me.  Luckily that feeling did not last long and soon after I got very excited and I really started looking forward to having another baby.  I bought these little charm packs to make a few cute baby quilts for our new addition to our family.

  
But the pregnancy also ended in miscarriage, this time I lost the baby between 16 and 18 weeks.  It was a boy!  I was in a terrible state after that.  I blamed myself.  I felt that if I was more excited and accepted the pregnancy from the start it would not have happened.  I felt that I subconsciously wished the baby away.  Now I KNOW its not true, and I KNOW its not my fault, but at the time it was all that made sense. 

For a while I completely withdrew from everything and everyone.  It was a few weeks after I had returned from hospital that I realized that if I don't change my mindset and start believing that there is still so much to be happy about and lots to be thankful for, I would loose the ones closest to me.

So I allowed myself to grieve.  The one way I knew how to calm myself and my thoughts was to keep busy in my sewing room.  My desire and love for patchwork and quilting saved me from myself.  If I did not have that, I doubt that I would have made it!  

The other day I was busy cooking and I softly spoke to myself, saying "two months" and my eyes started tearing up.  That's how old he would have been now if all had worked out the way it should have...  Marco asked why I said that and why I looked so sad?  I explained to him that that's how old the baby would have been if he was born at term.  The poor boy was at a lost for words, he gave me a big hug, and it felt good!!

I'm not telling you this to get you down or even sad.  Instead I'm sharing this with you because if it was not for the support from my husband and family, AND my love for this craft, I don't think I would have survived it. I have so much to be thankful for.  The time is HERE and NOW, not the past.

I have finally decided to at last use up those little charm packs and make a few baby quilts.  I could either sell them, or even give them away.  There's no point hanging on to it, and dwell on what could have been.  At least this way another little baby can enjoy them, that's after all why I bought them.

We all need closure!

So please, share what you all love to do, after all it is what keeps me going, QUILTING!!  What drives you?

Sew now it's time for this week's linky party

It's Monday and a new week, so lets all share some of our projects, please link up any current projects you've been working on, anything at all...  This link is open for a week and will run every Monday.  Remember to come back next week, or follow my blog to get regular updates.

If you wish feel free to add any other blog posts you write during the week, since this linky stays open for a full week, I think its a great idea to share and keep sharing.

All I ask is that you either add the 'Anything Goes' blog button to your sidebar or add a text link to your blog post, and comment on a few of the other links too, share the love and make this weekly link party a fun way to connect.

Stitch by Stitch
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Happy quilting.



12 comments:

made by ChrissieD said...

Your post is so moving Marelize and really strikes a chord. I don't know how I'd be now if I hadn't had my sewing and blogging to occupy me over the last eleven months since my Dad died. I look forward very much to seeing what you do with your charm squares and send lots of love to you and your gorgeous family :)

Kelli said...

I'm so sorry for your losses Marelize. Blogging and sewing are such great ways to connect with others and to also process what we're going through. I have another blog friend who has gone through a similar experience to yours. I think making some quilts to donate would be a great way to honor your little one's memory. So glad to have found your blog via G+, and that you're also doing the Sugar Block Club! I've put your linky on my party page at my blog. :) Thanks for hosting and sharing your story. xoxo

Elita en Suisse said...

Big virtual quilty hugs coming your way, Marelize! I too, have experienced such loss and it does take time to heal. Good for you to recognise that you NEED to grieve in order to get through it. I'm so happy that you have a supportive family and you must know that you have a supportive group of friends out here in the ether. It's ok to take moments to acknowledge what might have been but you have so many other moments that are here in the present to comfort and support you. Enjoy them to the fullest and your heart will heal. xx

Anonymous said...

Hello Marelize, hello everybody. I read every single post you write and have been very moved by your words about losing your babies. I've never have been pregnant so for me it's almost imposible to know how sad you were feeling but I can imagine. Quilting have saved many "lives", as a way of saying. Some years ago I had a love relationship that finished quite quickly and felt so so so so sad that I abandoned myself into quilting at all times and it helped me so much, and a friend of mine did more or less the same after losing her job. I thingk quilting has that healing power to help everybody who has been bitten by quilting bug. About the baby blankets I agree with Kelli, donating them would be a great idea, just my opiniĆ³n!.Lots of love from Victoria (from Valencia, Spain)

Lorna McMahon said...

Thank you, Marelize for sharing your story. I do believe there are a lot of us who quilt because it helps us cope with the troubles in our lives. And it is way better therapy than doing the dishes. Seriously. Quilting has been a help to me, but without my faith in God, I would be lost. Praying for you and your family. I know they mean the world to you!

Kelly Vetch said...

The post wasn't really sad, it was inspiring to be strong and a strong reminder to find that strength in family. Thank you for sharing. Stay positive!

TiaraHelen said...

Bless you Marelize, for being strong enough to say you hurt and sharing your healing journey. And well done for using your fabric and making it into something beautiful for some lucky people.

I don't know what I would have done without my crafting either, it's fabulous therapy.

Love to you and your family.

Helen x

ChristaQuilts said...

I am so sorry to hear about that. I'm glad you shared as it helps with the grieving process. Children are so precious and I've had several friends that have had miscarriages or that haven't been able to get pregnant at all so I have seen their sadness first hand. Here's a virtual hug for you - xo :-)

Nat at Made in Home said...

Thank you so much for sharing! Miscarriages are really hard, and you feel quite alone as no one shares until you tell them about yours! Thanks for sharing on let's get acquainted!

Christine said...

Hi Marelize, I know exactly how you feel. I've had 9 pregnancies, 7 were miscarriages. I have a 22 yr old and a 12 yr old, the age gap not my idea. I'm beyond childbearing age now, but even today, at 52, I wish I could have had one more baby. It was not to be, and I'm thankful to have the children I do have.

lattegirl40 said...

I am sending you hugs too!! It took great courage to share like you have, and I know that you have encouraged and helped countless others by doing so!! I know my faith and family have gotten me through some rough times too. Hold on tight and take it one day at a time! I'll be praying for you and your family!

MalinisQuilts said...

I just read this post today. Wow, what hard-aches you have gone through all those pregnancies. I am glad that you have great support from your family and friends. And this wonderful craft which keeps you going!

Only time can make things mend and probably looking at Kayleigh & your boys brings new light every day in your life. Happy 3rd birthday to Kayleigh!
Hugs,
Malini

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