Anything Goes - Quilt 'n Sew #12 - Up close and personal

NOTE:  As I wrote this post I had to keep a few tissues close by.  So please know that its not my intention to make you sad or to feel sorry for me.  Remembering and talking about things sometimes help with the healing process.

Many of you know that I have three children.  Marco age 17, Ruben age 13 and then Kayleigh who will have her 2nd birthday in less than two weeks.  

Ruben & Marco

Kayleigh

What you don't know is that I've been pregnant a total of 7 times.  After I had Marco, when he was little over two years old I was pregnant twice and both those pregnancies ended in miscarriage between 6 and 8 weeks.  Then about 7 months before I fell pregnant with Kayleigh I was pregnant with twins, sadly I lost them too very early in pregnancy. 

Now all of the miscarriages was very devastating, and the emotional and physical toll it takes on your body and on your marriage is something no one should have to go through.  

Last year I fell pregnant again.  I feel awful admitting this, but I did not want to be pregnant again.  Kayleigh is still so little and the thought of having another baby was too much for me.  Luckily that feeling did not last long and soon after I got very excited and I really started looking forward to having another baby.  I bought these little charm packs to make a few cute baby quilts for our new addition to our family.

  

But the pregnancy also ended in miscarriage, this time I lost the baby between 16 and 18 weeks.  It was a boy!  I was in a terrible state after that.  I blamed myself.  I felt that if I was more excited and accepted the pregnancy from the start it would not have happened.  I felt that I subconsciously wished the baby away.  Now I KNOW its not true, and I KNOW its not my fault, but at the time it was all that made sense. 

For a while I completely withdrew from everything and everyone.  It was a few weeks after I had returned from hospital that I realized that if I don't change my mindset and start believing that there is still so much to be happy about and lots to be thankful for, I would loose the ones closest to me.

So I allowed myself to grieve.  The one way I knew how to calm myself and my thoughts was to keep busy in my sewing room.  My desire and love for patchwork and quilting saved me from myself.  If I did not have that, I doubt that I would have made it!  

The other day I was busy cooking and I softly spoke to myself, saying "two months" and my eyes started tearing up.  That's how old he would have been now if all had worked out the way it should have...  Marco asked why I said that and why I looked so sad?  I explained to him that that's how old the baby would have been if he was born at term.  The poor boy was at a lost for words, he gave me a big hug, and it felt good!!

I'm not telling you this to get you down or even sad.  Instead I'm sharing this with you because if it was not for the support from my husband and family, AND my love for this craft, I don't think I would have survived it. I have so much to be thankful for.  The time is HERE and NOW, not the past.

I have finally decided to at last use up those little charm packs and make a few baby quilts.  I could either sell them, or even give them away.  There's no point hanging on to it, and dwell on what could have been.  At least this way another little baby can enjoy them, that's after all why I bought them.

We all need closure!

So please, share what you all love to do, after all it is what keeps me going, QUILTING!!  What drives you?

Sew now it's time for this week's linky party

It's Monday and a new week, so lets all share some of our projects, please link up any current projects you've been working on, anything at all...  This link is open for a week and will run every Monday.  Remember to come back next week, or follow my blog to get regular updates.

If you wish feel free to add any other blog posts you write during the week, since this linky stays open for a full week, I think its a great idea to share and keep sharing.

All I ask is that you either add the 'Anything Goes' blog button to your sidebar or add a text link to your blog post, and comment on a few of the other links too, share the love and make this weekly link party a fun way to connect.

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Happy quilting.